2012 Grammy's

.............................................................................................................*takes deep breath*..............Nicki *sigh*...................................................................................................................................

*still in silence*.......................................................................................................................................

*sighs again* Nicki, Nicki, Nicki....where do I start?

You know, how about I start with a compliment first. Because YOU, YOU my dear, are an EXPERT on NEVER ceasing to amaze me. You manage to keep "Looney" relevant EV-REE FUCK-ING TIME!




Your ability to out do yourself with more and more ridiculous antics surpasses that of anyone in Hollywood, including LINDSAY LOHAN! Lindsay Fucking Lohan. How the HELL is that even possible? Are you a regular on TMZ? (due to my current schedule I've no idea if it still comes on but I WAS a huge fan) I really hope you are. You deserve it.

Let's start with your choice of outfits:

Very creative choice to come dressed as a South Park character. Kudos to you my moderate leveled melanin friend.

I mean, walking in with the "Pope" was such an interesante oxymoron. Good vs Evil. No? That IS the message we were trying to convey correct? 


Or was it simply just for shock value? Well either way, you succeeded in looking like an awesome Halloween Costume.

But it was your performance, your performance Ms. Miraj that was QUITE the spectacle...to say the least. 


Now I myself am lucky to have been having a fat girl moment eating cookies downstairs. So I missed the surplus of demonic spirits that you released into the households of billions of viewers, a la "Poltergeist". Your rendition of one of my childhood faves, "Child's Play" was SO unexpected that we SHOULD have expected it.

Oh, you're unaware of my reference?

Take a gander:

Do you remember this scene? When Charles Lee Ray began to speak in tongues and perform some form of a demonic seance in order to transcend himself into the Good Guy Doll, better known as "Chucky"? Yup! I thought you would!

This reenactment by our dear Oneika was rather perplexing. BUT a las, I am solely a lost soul looking for love while venturing through promiscuity. #CarryOn

American Thugs & Terrorists

Hi AT and T. How’s it going?

OH I’M SORRY. You can’t hear me now can  you? That’s right. Because YOUR SERVICE SUCKS!!

Why is it, every time I go to place a call nothing goes through? It says “SOS” or “EDGE” mode. And when they DO go through, they’re dropped. (I mean GRANTED, there ARE some calls I do not care to take, in which case I am EXTREMELY grateful for that awesome feature. But not when I’m in the middle of selling drugs or setting up a sex date.)

And about my BBMS….the ones that people don’t receive until  a day later? OH, and the texts I don’t receive until DAYS later.

Also, gotta thank you guys for such a great price on my bill!

Oh yea, and for not informing me before I switched over that my neighborhood didn’t support your service because of a “failed tower”?....

You know, if I wasn’t so brainwashed by the gorgeous phones and that Christ-like touch screen mobile device that Apple provides you all with…I’d have peaced out ages ago.

Stage 5 CLINGER***

We've all had them at some point in our lives...well at least that's my conclusion as of now. I've actually never really been in the position of "cling-ee" so to speak, until a certain someone *insert name IS*DRA GR*NT* played a very mean practical joke. A joke so cruel, that if she wasn't able to match my movie/television quote intelligence, the friendship would SO be over!


So it's Columbus Day weekend, and I get invited to an "ALL BLACK AFFAIR", rightfully so, being that I'm all black according to James Crow. And here comes my "BEST" friend (I'm still debating the use of that term for you missy) forcing me to tag along to a venue that she herself is being dragged to.

Now what this hoe FAILS TO TELL ME is that the young woman who was making her go

....was a fucking CLINGER!!

         ***PLEASE NOTE THAT FOR THE REST OF THIS BLOG, I WILL NOT USE NAMES FOR THE PERSON OF SUBJECT, AND WILL INPUT A PICTURE EVERY TIME INSTEAD JUST BECAUSE I AM AN ASSHOLE***

                            This child of God 

picks us up and drives us all to the soiree; a car ride that was spent with her talking about her love life in a HORRIBLE imitation of Jamaican Patois....

Mind you, I've NEVER met this woman

PRIOR to this, so the fact that she chose to disclose so much information upon first meeting should have set off an alarm.

We get there and this troubled human

sees my Blackberry, TAKES my Blackberry, and SCANS MY BARCODE!!!! ALL without me approving. (Yes I know that that IS partially my fault but I did NOT want to be my rude self and embrass "Bestie").

....throughout the course of the evening, this woman starts asking me for advice regarding her men troubles; to which I genuisely avoided by directing our attention to the dance floor.

  Fast forward to the next day, and the days after that, and I receive an abundance of BBMs from

all regarding NOTHING. I'd have statuses saying, "FRIENDS ONLY" and guess who decided they were included in that category?

YUP! You guessed it!

I'd start texting my "Bestie" like, "Hey your friend has a lot of issues", and her response?

"Yea I know. She hasn't hit me up in a while though. You're her new best-friend."


Normally, this would be a simple hardy har har kind of comment but because I KNOW this floozie Is*dra Gr*ant, I was well aware of what this meant.



SHE PAWNED HER OFF ON ME.


WEEKS went by and "Bestie" had no idea about what was going on in


 

's life.                     

It got to the point of me deleting her from my BBM, then making FAKE Facebook Statuses about losing my phone. HOW PATHETIC IS THAT??? At 25, I had to conduct fucking blueprints of lies in order to avoid all contact.

But of course my status received comments with pin numbers...FB messages saying "Hey girl, u ok?"...and my "lost" Blackberry got a REQUEST right after me stating it was "LOST" *bbm confused*

Of course they were all from:

Now to make matters worse, I ended up finding out that this chick was about 5yrs my elder!!!! 30 years old, and you are a fucking retard?? A clinger?? Annoying?? NO sense of style? (during our new found stalkship I was informed she shops at a store called G&G???)

Turkey Day rolls around and these whores decide to have a dinner at my house....and who shows up first? Extremely EARLY? And with a few fucking sodas??? Not to mention, behaves EXTREMELY anti-social and then the instant reggae comes on, begins to BANG on my DINING ROOM WALL like it's a damn bashment in Brooklyn?


Mercy, mercy, me! What IS going on?

I felt like I was being targeted since the first "hey boo" message...UMMM isn't "boo" only reserved for individuals you know at a certain level?


Well I'd like to give a big HARDY HAR fuck-ing HAR to you "Bestie"!

Way to plant one on me!

....Just some thoughts of the Mind, i take a glimpse into time...damn Kim you're wack

It's only right I start this off by shouting out my BBM Comrad slash reality tv conglomerate slash television soulmate, Ms. Fab J!! *bbm dance*

We were in the midst of discussing a daily recap of our shows that aired so far (in this case "Basketball Player Lingerers", "$Keeping up with Kris' Kash Kows"), when my dislike for Kimborely Kardashian came into play.

    NOW BEFORE THE MAC LIPSTICK PROSTITUTION RING CALLS ME A "HATER", please understand that I think Kim is an EXTREMELY gorgeous woman (with makeup of course). A down right "Bad Bitch" if you must. I'd love to compliment her as a business woman as well but we all know who the CFO/HBIC  a la Jim Jones "he's a get money nigga fuck with him" is....

........................Kris Mothafuckin Kardashian!

With that being said, it brings me back to the motive behind this blog, Kimborely.

If you've been an avid fan of the show, then you know the backlog. For those of you who don't, allow me to summarize:
  
      - Nicole Simpson was born
      - Nicole Simpson died
      - OJ Simpson "didn't" do it
      - Robert Kardashian was a lawyer/friend of OJ
      - Robert Kardashian passed
      - Kim Kardashian sex tape with Brandy's brother
      - Kim is friends with Paris, and models, Kardashian name gains clout
      - Kim's name gives leeway to the Kardashians' reality show
      - Viewers watch show and fall in love with Khole, Kourtney, Kris
      - Viewers have no idea of Kim's purpose
      - Viewers find Kim rather boring
      - Khloe & Kourtney get a show, followed by Khloe & Lamar
      - Kourtney & Kim get show no one watches
      - Kardashians all get another season

In the course of all these shows, fans grow to love the family, because lets face it, they ARE entertaining. We are also introduced to the tight-knit bond that Khloe & Kourtney share, which Kim is evidently MIA. The two sisters are pretty fun(ny), from Khloe incestingly molesting Kourtney, Kourtney's rocky relationship with Jew Scott, and the both of their disrespect for their ANNOYING mother.

    All in all, it's a family made for television.

Only thing is....................WHERE IS KIM????

If you've watched the show, then you know she's


                                                    FUCKING BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I rather watch an hour of Jen cry on Basketball Wives.

Kim reminds me of a pap smear; unwanted but essential. I swear the same way Evelyn and Chad Ochonegro have such a great chemistry is that kind of mesh that Kim has with a fucking statue.

Since season one, all she ever did (when she actually appeared on the show) was work and cry. Cry, cry, cry. OH, and some more crying! When she wasn't crying? She made an occasional appearance (with blackberry in hand) and that was it. I'd say no wonder Reggie cheated but his ass was a fucking bore too. But Kim DOES give reason as to how a man can cheat on such an attractive individual. Which leads me to ponder, oh need I say it, say it ain't so...is my imaginary babymama Halle a bore too??? *kim cry, i mean bbm cry*

This also lead me to my concluded (untested) hypothesis:

       KIM IS A BORING FUCK

or what I have now labeled as "Jailtime Pussy". Meaning, it's the kind of pussy a man in jail will drool over bc quite frankly he'll take anything. She's the, hit it once just to brag that you fucked Kim K. The, ahh well yea she's a bad bitch so I'll do it kind of fuck. NOT the type of pussy you go back to get more.

Can you really see someone saying, "Kim got that bomb puss" (thanks Fab! :D)??????



             NO, I DON'T THINK SO                          
                           ("Family Matters" reference of when Laura was a cheerleader)



My intuition says Kim just lays there, being a looker...nothing else. Although I can tell you I do think that Kris' cougar ass has a meaaaaaan box game. But I digress.


This discovery of my new term "jailtime pussy" will definitely come up in the future bc I am puh-rit-E sure I can pin point this on multiple women, such as Jen from Basketball Girlfriends. So until then, tah tah for now bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear DSM-IV...

So in order to selfishly fulfill my longing to become a psychologist, (although tuition and years allocated to enrolling in graduate degrees may illustrate otherwise) I came up with a cute and funny concept I apply on a daily, titled "Dear DSM-IV..."


Its basically my observations regarding the behavior of all the many wonderful and intriguing individuals I encounter...some of which REEEUUURLY *south park imagination land voice* need to be classified under their own diagnosis category!! 

         I've been contemplating on this so much that I DO intend to get a book started, as soon as my little whore of a bestie gets popping on our first baby. I'd also like to eventually turn this into a blog on its own but for now I'll start inputting all of my teeny witsy bitsy ideas on here!

One of the major breakthroughs that I've uncovered involve a parallel or what have you, a clash of the titans so to speak, between Mood and Personality Disorders. To borrow from what are probably the most popular diagnosable conditions, Bi-Polar and its subsidiary, Bi-Polar II, this individual displays a case of Mania that can be as extreme as the former or more subtle like the latter. In addition, symptoms from the Narcissistic Personality Disorder are also prevalent. Now the dual existence of these two disorders are combined with what cognitive psychology defines as "feelings" (mainly controlled by the dopamine levels in one's brain), and sociological incorporations from the "Looking Glass Theory" (I become what others view me as) and you've got yourself a sensitive bitch, or what I would like the DSM to classify as.....



       MAN (XY chromosome)

I am well aware that I may catch a lot of flack for this but that will only strengthen my case until I am provided with adequate funds to perform a National case study. For now I am solely limited to the geographical borders that my vagina takes me......


      more to come!! *smooches*

Junia's Baby Moms (Mob Wives)

If you are a reality television junkie, THIS is a can't miss...

ok ok ok so I just wanted to masquerade my uncontrollable addiction in the shadows of reality tv.

I am ADDICTED to "Mob Wives", or as I like to call it, "JUNIA's Baby Moms". ("Junia" being the pronunciation of "Junior" a la Renee Graziano)


Idk where to begin....

the horrible Staten Island/Italian/New Jersey/Long Island/Bayside accents....thee OVER dramatized yelling matches between lasagna eating cougars...or the overly emphasized infatuation of the Mob....either which way they ALL make for a HIT television series!!!


My poor friends are subjected to me ranting and raving around the house or via voicenotes imitating all of the classic one liners from this show.
  Such as, "JUNIAAAAA. Im at Z1 Lounge JUNIAAAA", "You wanna play Mob Wars? I win bitch!" (majority fave), and MY personal preference, "Daddy's the Boss and you're the horse!"

One cannot PRAY for such classic quotes and trashy individuals to impersonate. This show is like a GOD SEND for people like me.

With all that being said, I have an OBSESSION with Renee Graziano the head honcho. She is a LOUD, obnoxious, Sopranos meets Victoria Gotti kind of XX chromosome. But for some reason, I am oddly fascinated with her. Maybe a little TOO fascinated......

ummmmmm theres actually a marathon on now as I write this sooo it will have to be cut short!

TTYL!

One of many....

Its been AGES since I've blogged. A whopping two months!!! So I figured why not start off with one of my FAYYYY-vor-it topics: FAT PEOPLE *bbm angry face* (oh how I wish I could paste that particular smiley here *shrug*)...

Well spring has FINALLY reached New York City, and along with the whores coming out, out comes Fatty.

Now before I go on, my use of the term "whore" comes in soooo many different contexts. It represents hatred as well as appreciation. I myself am categorized as a "whore" so there is no discrimination watsoever on my end. I'm actually #TeamWhore, #TeamSeeThroughShirt, #TeamGreatBlowjob, #TeamAhhImDrunkWhyNotSex, #TeamHmmImTOODrunkToFightYouOffMeSoFuckItGoGetANut, #Team...ah well you get the idea.

I am NOT saying that a provacatively dressed woman is a "whore". But I am saying that a "whore" is a provacatively dressed woman! :D

Anyway, back to the task at hand.

FATSO BOB and FEED-ME MEGAN....


                      THERE IS NOOOOOOOOO reason for them to be out during this weather. It's fucking hot, and you plodding yourself next to me on the train isn't going to make it Nnnn-EE (an emphasized articulation of "any" for those of you who are fuckin dumb) more comfy. Watching you eat a hot dog from a Sabet street vendor is disgusting. Watching you eat a hot dog from a Sabet street vendor while you waddle down the block like you're sexy is even more disgusting.

I'm sick of looking at you. I'm irritated just thinking about you. But most of all, I want to kill you.

Now I know this is wrong and immoral on soooo many levels but for fuck's sake WORK OUT. Listen, even my fat friends hate you. AND THEY'RE FAT!!

Megan, why oh whyyyyyyy are you wearing Charles David sandals made for my fetus???????? Bob, well in this case, Hector, WHYYYYYY are you wearing skinny jeans thus creating the "muffin-butt"??????? YOU DO NOT look good. Idc how much "swag" you have but that LV print still doesn't change the fact that you're fat. Ughhhh so frustrated *excuse me while I check my blackberry and think about boxing*.....I'll finish up later. But this is just ONE of MANYYYYY fat blogs to come.

You fuckers really grind my gears! *bbm dances*