D.....C.....S

                                    The Infamous

                                   "D.C.S."
                            Dry Coochi Syndrome

Ever wonder how some of the world's most beautiful women could be single? Constantly running through relationships? Or what it is that you can't put your finger on, that just makes some women (excuse my use of old school slang but) seem plain ol' WACK?!

    Well THIS Ladies & Gentleman, is what I (and soon you will to) refer to as DRY COOCHI SYNDROME, better known as #DCS.

DRY COOCHI SYNDROME, the culprit behind the demise of relationships for women we just have no idea as to how any man could cheat on. Or wouldn't want to be with for that matter.

I mean, how can you NOT want to be with HALLE BERRY? Stacy Dash? Dare I say it, Kim Kardashian (as much as I crack on her she IS indeed an attractive woman).

I hated to admit this concerning my baby, Halle but it just had to be noted. Even her demeanor must be observed. Yes, a woman that carries herself gracefully. A woman in the fantasies of many men AND women. A woman who can rock the short hair, long hair, be a prude or even a round the way girl. How can a woman of that nature not have a loyal man? Well think about it...even her personality seems quite bland and boring. Sure, she can probably carry a conversation well but the energy level just isn't there. Every interview I've seen or read with her, it always had BOOOOOORING all over it. And primarily associated with boring is, yes, the dry coochnen. The desert box. The thirst snatch. The deyhrated kitty.

Once I started observing this cancer, I realized that it's actually NOT that difficult to identify. It all has to do with energy. Think about it, your gut can always tell you when someone's niceness is insincere. When they're putting up a front about something, without them even saying so. It all boils down to the energy. And I'm puh-ri-tee sure that after reading this and my mentioning of Halle, you said to yourself, "damn yo, this bitch has a point." Not so far fetched right?

Now the thing about DCS is that these women actually KNOW that they have it. There is no way in hell a woman can think her box is that fabulous when all other signals point to nay. Take Kim K for instance; in past posts I've written, I mentioned how boring she is. She herself has to know she's boring. She drowns herself into her work and sabotages all of her relationships. Stacy Dash (I love her) has been said to be one of the most cattiest women in Hollywood. Why so catty? It compensates for the dry feline below.

I guess its sort of like the Little Dick Syndrome. You know, when men who aren't packing always feel the need to boast and impress the world via machismo, chauvinism, LV labels. Yea, exactly!!

Anyhoo, I've taken the liberty to include a few victims of the DCS.

More to come!

                                      Our competition winner, 
                                          HALLE BERRY

                                   "Too Good to be true..."

                                       Our Runner up,
                                       STACY DASH

                                        3rd Place goes to
                                              LALA

                                   Some notable others:

                                               
                                            #MobWives                                                       

                               Who gon check her boo?!
              Obviously not someone looking for a wet vagina...
                  (Sheree Whitfield #Real Housewives Of ATL)

                     She been out the scene for a minute but L.C.   
                           DEFINITELY suffers from DCS
                                                         

                    OH COME ON! You KNEW this was coming!!

                     and while we're on Basketball Wives,

            Not only will we NOT be calling her a "bitch", she won't
                             be called "Moist" either
                                      
 OK OK. Time for me to close this one. I'll leave it up to you to spot all the other DCS having women out there! ;)

LaLa's Full Court Life

So within my reality television fetishes lies LaLa..........."LaLa's Full Court Life" as it's befittingly titled.

"LaLa's Full Court Life" follows LaLa, the DJ/VJ from the late 90s, as well as VH1's Triple R-H (Residential Reality Reunion Host), who is now the wife of Caramel Scharamel from the Knicks. Blah blah what does that mean to me.

LaLa, a beautiful woman, seemingly intelligent business woman, and an impressionable good mother. Kinda has it all no? I mean she's been in the game for years canvasing those racoon eyes all over the entertainment industry; rapping, DJing, hosting, and producing. For a young woman of color, she's definitely set and headed in the right direction, as well as a prime example of elegance. I've not one negative thing to say about her.

Well...

except the fact that I enthusiastically classify her into the #DCS category. I mean DRY COOCHI SYNDROME TO THE TENTH POWER!!!

Allow me to explain.

On one episode, our heroine takes it upon herself to show off her "sexy" dance moves......I write "sexy" in quotations bc I feel horrible using that term INCORRECTLY. LaLa's dancing was/is the equivalent to having sex because you're in someone's apartment and, well, if he's not your significant other what the fuck else should you be doing? I use that reference because, its not something you necessarily "want" to occur but you know its inevitable. Well that my friends, was LaLa's uber cool dance grooves.

Minus the no rhythm, it was still horrible. I have NO idea if she was impersonating a seductive seizure, or if she was goofing around. I mean, she couldn't possibly be serious...oh but she was...

LaLa's dancing was so horrible, I'd imagine fucking a cup holder would be more pleasurable.

It would explain all the rumors of Melly Telly cheating (aside from the fact he's a ball player). I myself feel the need to throw Mr. Anthony some cookies off of general purpose. I feel so bad for him.

Now don't get me wrong, DCS isn't the end of the world in some cases. Take LaLa for instance:
  She's beautiful, she carries herself well, she raises her child with manners, and she's financially secure. Those are all GREAT qualities for a mate. She's the ideal "TROPHY" wife. She looks good on his arm; despite the fact she has no ability to fuck her man's brains out.

But kudos to you LaLa. I am in no way hating on you or anything you do. In fact, I respect you and what you're about. I mean, I find it hilarious you can't fuck for shit but hey, we all have flaws no? :D

Toodles!!!!!!!!

Thank me later

I'm talented ;)

http://soundcloud.com/aida2vida/03-different-worlds

My lovely impersonation of Mrs. Carter

"Signs", my FAVORITE Beyonce song EVER!!!

2012 Grammy's

.............................................................................................................*takes deep breath*..............Nicki *sigh*...................................................................................................................................

*still in silence*.......................................................................................................................................

*sighs again* Nicki, Nicki, Nicki....where do I start?

You know, how about I start with a compliment first. Because YOU, YOU my dear, are an EXPERT on NEVER ceasing to amaze me. You manage to keep "Looney" relevant EV-REE FUCK-ING TIME!




Your ability to out do yourself with more and more ridiculous antics surpasses that of anyone in Hollywood, including LINDSAY LOHAN! Lindsay Fucking Lohan. How the HELL is that even possible? Are you a regular on TMZ? (due to my current schedule I've no idea if it still comes on but I WAS a huge fan) I really hope you are. You deserve it.

Let's start with your choice of outfits:

Very creative choice to come dressed as a South Park character. Kudos to you my moderate leveled melanin friend.

I mean, walking in with the "Pope" was such an interesante oxymoron. Good vs Evil. No? That IS the message we were trying to convey correct? 


Or was it simply just for shock value? Well either way, you succeeded in looking like an awesome Halloween Costume.

But it was your performance, your performance Ms. Miraj that was QUITE the spectacle...to say the least. 


Now I myself am lucky to have been having a fat girl moment eating cookies downstairs. So I missed the surplus of demonic spirits that you released into the households of billions of viewers, a la "Poltergeist". Your rendition of one of my childhood faves, "Child's Play" was SO unexpected that we SHOULD have expected it.

Oh, you're unaware of my reference?

Take a gander:

Do you remember this scene? When Charles Lee Ray began to speak in tongues and perform some form of a demonic seance in order to transcend himself into the Good Guy Doll, better known as "Chucky"? Yup! I thought you would!

This reenactment by our dear Oneika was rather perplexing. BUT a las, I am solely a lost soul looking for love while venturing through promiscuity. #CarryOn

American Thugs & Terrorists

Hi AT and T. How’s it going?

OH I’M SORRY. You can’t hear me now can  you? That’s right. Because YOUR SERVICE SUCKS!!

Why is it, every time I go to place a call nothing goes through? It says “SOS” or “EDGE” mode. And when they DO go through, they’re dropped. (I mean GRANTED, there ARE some calls I do not care to take, in which case I am EXTREMELY grateful for that awesome feature. But not when I’m in the middle of selling drugs or setting up a sex date.)

And about my BBMS….the ones that people don’t receive until  a day later? OH, and the texts I don’t receive until DAYS later.

Also, gotta thank you guys for such a great price on my bill!

Oh yea, and for not informing me before I switched over that my neighborhood didn’t support your service because of a “failed tower”?....

You know, if I wasn’t so brainwashed by the gorgeous phones and that Christ-like touch screen mobile device that Apple provides you all with…I’d have peaced out ages ago.

Stage 5 CLINGER***

We've all had them at some point in our lives...well at least that's my conclusion as of now. I've actually never really been in the position of "cling-ee" so to speak, until a certain someone *insert name IS*DRA GR*NT* played a very mean practical joke. A joke so cruel, that if she wasn't able to match my movie/television quote intelligence, the friendship would SO be over!


So it's Columbus Day weekend, and I get invited to an "ALL BLACK AFFAIR", rightfully so, being that I'm all black according to James Crow. And here comes my "BEST" friend (I'm still debating the use of that term for you missy) forcing me to tag along to a venue that she herself is being dragged to.

Now what this hoe FAILS TO TELL ME is that the young woman who was making her go

....was a fucking CLINGER!!

         ***PLEASE NOTE THAT FOR THE REST OF THIS BLOG, I WILL NOT USE NAMES FOR THE PERSON OF SUBJECT, AND WILL INPUT A PICTURE EVERY TIME INSTEAD JUST BECAUSE I AM AN ASSHOLE***

                            This child of God 

picks us up and drives us all to the soiree; a car ride that was spent with her talking about her love life in a HORRIBLE imitation of Jamaican Patois....

Mind you, I've NEVER met this woman

PRIOR to this, so the fact that she chose to disclose so much information upon first meeting should have set off an alarm.

We get there and this troubled human

sees my Blackberry, TAKES my Blackberry, and SCANS MY BARCODE!!!! ALL without me approving. (Yes I know that that IS partially my fault but I did NOT want to be my rude self and embrass "Bestie").

....throughout the course of the evening, this woman starts asking me for advice regarding her men troubles; to which I genuisely avoided by directing our attention to the dance floor.

  Fast forward to the next day, and the days after that, and I receive an abundance of BBMs from

all regarding NOTHING. I'd have statuses saying, "FRIENDS ONLY" and guess who decided they were included in that category?

YUP! You guessed it!

I'd start texting my "Bestie" like, "Hey your friend has a lot of issues", and her response?

"Yea I know. She hasn't hit me up in a while though. You're her new best-friend."


Normally, this would be a simple hardy har har kind of comment but because I KNOW this floozie Is*dra Gr*ant, I was well aware of what this meant.



SHE PAWNED HER OFF ON ME.


WEEKS went by and "Bestie" had no idea about what was going on in


 

's life.                     

It got to the point of me deleting her from my BBM, then making FAKE Facebook Statuses about losing my phone. HOW PATHETIC IS THAT??? At 25, I had to conduct fucking blueprints of lies in order to avoid all contact.

But of course my status received comments with pin numbers...FB messages saying "Hey girl, u ok?"...and my "lost" Blackberry got a REQUEST right after me stating it was "LOST" *bbm confused*

Of course they were all from:

Now to make matters worse, I ended up finding out that this chick was about 5yrs my elder!!!! 30 years old, and you are a fucking retard?? A clinger?? Annoying?? NO sense of style? (during our new found stalkship I was informed she shops at a store called G&G???)

Turkey Day rolls around and these whores decide to have a dinner at my house....and who shows up first? Extremely EARLY? And with a few fucking sodas??? Not to mention, behaves EXTREMELY anti-social and then the instant reggae comes on, begins to BANG on my DINING ROOM WALL like it's a damn bashment in Brooklyn?


Mercy, mercy, me! What IS going on?

I felt like I was being targeted since the first "hey boo" message...UMMM isn't "boo" only reserved for individuals you know at a certain level?


Well I'd like to give a big HARDY HAR fuck-ing HAR to you "Bestie"!

Way to plant one on me!