....Just some thoughts of the Mind, i take a glimpse into time...damn Kim you're wack

It's only right I start this off by shouting out my BBM Comrad slash reality tv conglomerate slash television soulmate, Ms. Fab J!! *bbm dance*

We were in the midst of discussing a daily recap of our shows that aired so far (in this case "Basketball Player Lingerers", "$Keeping up with Kris' Kash Kows"), when my dislike for Kimborely Kardashian came into play.

    NOW BEFORE THE MAC LIPSTICK PROSTITUTION RING CALLS ME A "HATER", please understand that I think Kim is an EXTREMELY gorgeous woman (with makeup of course). A down right "Bad Bitch" if you must. I'd love to compliment her as a business woman as well but we all know who the CFO/HBIC  a la Jim Jones "he's a get money nigga fuck with him" is....

........................Kris Mothafuckin Kardashian!

With that being said, it brings me back to the motive behind this blog, Kimborely.

If you've been an avid fan of the show, then you know the backlog. For those of you who don't, allow me to summarize:
  
      - Nicole Simpson was born
      - Nicole Simpson died
      - OJ Simpson "didn't" do it
      - Robert Kardashian was a lawyer/friend of OJ
      - Robert Kardashian passed
      - Kim Kardashian sex tape with Brandy's brother
      - Kim is friends with Paris, and models, Kardashian name gains clout
      - Kim's name gives leeway to the Kardashians' reality show
      - Viewers watch show and fall in love with Khole, Kourtney, Kris
      - Viewers have no idea of Kim's purpose
      - Viewers find Kim rather boring
      - Khloe & Kourtney get a show, followed by Khloe & Lamar
      - Kourtney & Kim get show no one watches
      - Kardashians all get another season

In the course of all these shows, fans grow to love the family, because lets face it, they ARE entertaining. We are also introduced to the tight-knit bond that Khloe & Kourtney share, which Kim is evidently MIA. The two sisters are pretty fun(ny), from Khloe incestingly molesting Kourtney, Kourtney's rocky relationship with Jew Scott, and the both of their disrespect for their ANNOYING mother.

    All in all, it's a family made for television.

Only thing is....................WHERE IS KIM????

If you've watched the show, then you know she's


                                                    FUCKING BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I rather watch an hour of Jen cry on Basketball Wives.

Kim reminds me of a pap smear; unwanted but essential. I swear the same way Evelyn and Chad Ochonegro have such a great chemistry is that kind of mesh that Kim has with a fucking statue.

Since season one, all she ever did (when she actually appeared on the show) was work and cry. Cry, cry, cry. OH, and some more crying! When she wasn't crying? She made an occasional appearance (with blackberry in hand) and that was it. I'd say no wonder Reggie cheated but his ass was a fucking bore too. But Kim DOES give reason as to how a man can cheat on such an attractive individual. Which leads me to ponder, oh need I say it, say it ain't so...is my imaginary babymama Halle a bore too??? *kim cry, i mean bbm cry*

This also lead me to my concluded (untested) hypothesis:

       KIM IS A BORING FUCK

or what I have now labeled as "Jailtime Pussy". Meaning, it's the kind of pussy a man in jail will drool over bc quite frankly he'll take anything. She's the, hit it once just to brag that you fucked Kim K. The, ahh well yea she's a bad bitch so I'll do it kind of fuck. NOT the type of pussy you go back to get more.

Can you really see someone saying, "Kim got that bomb puss" (thanks Fab! :D)??????



             NO, I DON'T THINK SO                          
                           ("Family Matters" reference of when Laura was a cheerleader)



My intuition says Kim just lays there, being a looker...nothing else. Although I can tell you I do think that Kris' cougar ass has a meaaaaaan box game. But I digress.


This discovery of my new term "jailtime pussy" will definitely come up in the future bc I am puh-rit-E sure I can pin point this on multiple women, such as Jen from Basketball Girlfriends. So until then, tah tah for now bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear DSM-IV...

So in order to selfishly fulfill my longing to become a psychologist, (although tuition and years allocated to enrolling in graduate degrees may illustrate otherwise) I came up with a cute and funny concept I apply on a daily, titled "Dear DSM-IV..."


Its basically my observations regarding the behavior of all the many wonderful and intriguing individuals I encounter...some of which REEEUUURLY *south park imagination land voice* need to be classified under their own diagnosis category!! 

         I've been contemplating on this so much that I DO intend to get a book started, as soon as my little whore of a bestie gets popping on our first baby. I'd also like to eventually turn this into a blog on its own but for now I'll start inputting all of my teeny witsy bitsy ideas on here!

One of the major breakthroughs that I've uncovered involve a parallel or what have you, a clash of the titans so to speak, between Mood and Personality Disorders. To borrow from what are probably the most popular diagnosable conditions, Bi-Polar and its subsidiary, Bi-Polar II, this individual displays a case of Mania that can be as extreme as the former or more subtle like the latter. In addition, symptoms from the Narcissistic Personality Disorder are also prevalent. Now the dual existence of these two disorders are combined with what cognitive psychology defines as "feelings" (mainly controlled by the dopamine levels in one's brain), and sociological incorporations from the "Looking Glass Theory" (I become what others view me as) and you've got yourself a sensitive bitch, or what I would like the DSM to classify as.....



       MAN (XY chromosome)

I am well aware that I may catch a lot of flack for this but that will only strengthen my case until I am provided with adequate funds to perform a National case study. For now I am solely limited to the geographical borders that my vagina takes me......


      more to come!! *smooches*

Junia's Baby Moms (Mob Wives)

If you are a reality television junkie, THIS is a can't miss...

ok ok ok so I just wanted to masquerade my uncontrollable addiction in the shadows of reality tv.

I am ADDICTED to "Mob Wives", or as I like to call it, "JUNIA's Baby Moms". ("Junia" being the pronunciation of "Junior" a la Renee Graziano)


Idk where to begin....

the horrible Staten Island/Italian/New Jersey/Long Island/Bayside accents....thee OVER dramatized yelling matches between lasagna eating cougars...or the overly emphasized infatuation of the Mob....either which way they ALL make for a HIT television series!!!


My poor friends are subjected to me ranting and raving around the house or via voicenotes imitating all of the classic one liners from this show.
  Such as, "JUNIAAAAA. Im at Z1 Lounge JUNIAAAA", "You wanna play Mob Wars? I win bitch!" (majority fave), and MY personal preference, "Daddy's the Boss and you're the horse!"

One cannot PRAY for such classic quotes and trashy individuals to impersonate. This show is like a GOD SEND for people like me.

With all that being said, I have an OBSESSION with Renee Graziano the head honcho. She is a LOUD, obnoxious, Sopranos meets Victoria Gotti kind of XX chromosome. But for some reason, I am oddly fascinated with her. Maybe a little TOO fascinated......

ummmmmm theres actually a marathon on now as I write this sooo it will have to be cut short!

TTYL!

One of many....

Its been AGES since I've blogged. A whopping two months!!! So I figured why not start off with one of my FAYYYY-vor-it topics: FAT PEOPLE *bbm angry face* (oh how I wish I could paste that particular smiley here *shrug*)...

Well spring has FINALLY reached New York City, and along with the whores coming out, out comes Fatty.

Now before I go on, my use of the term "whore" comes in soooo many different contexts. It represents hatred as well as appreciation. I myself am categorized as a "whore" so there is no discrimination watsoever on my end. I'm actually #TeamWhore, #TeamSeeThroughShirt, #TeamGreatBlowjob, #TeamAhhImDrunkWhyNotSex, #TeamHmmImTOODrunkToFightYouOffMeSoFuckItGoGetANut, #Team...ah well you get the idea.

I am NOT saying that a provacatively dressed woman is a "whore". But I am saying that a "whore" is a provacatively dressed woman! :D

Anyway, back to the task at hand.

FATSO BOB and FEED-ME MEGAN....


                      THERE IS NOOOOOOOOO reason for them to be out during this weather. It's fucking hot, and you plodding yourself next to me on the train isn't going to make it Nnnn-EE (an emphasized articulation of "any" for those of you who are fuckin dumb) more comfy. Watching you eat a hot dog from a Sabet street vendor is disgusting. Watching you eat a hot dog from a Sabet street vendor while you waddle down the block like you're sexy is even more disgusting.

I'm sick of looking at you. I'm irritated just thinking about you. But most of all, I want to kill you.

Now I know this is wrong and immoral on soooo many levels but for fuck's sake WORK OUT. Listen, even my fat friends hate you. AND THEY'RE FAT!!

Megan, why oh whyyyyyyy are you wearing Charles David sandals made for my fetus???????? Bob, well in this case, Hector, WHYYYYYY are you wearing skinny jeans thus creating the "muffin-butt"??????? YOU DO NOT look good. Idc how much "swag" you have but that LV print still doesn't change the fact that you're fat. Ughhhh so frustrated *excuse me while I check my blackberry and think about boxing*.....I'll finish up later. But this is just ONE of MANYYYYY fat blogs to come.

You fuckers really grind my gears! *bbm dances*

Black Swan vs. The Roommate

VS

Hmmmmm where do I begin??


Well lets see...since I saw "Black Swan" first, I guess it's only logical I start with this film.

Natalie mothafuckin Portman

  aka "The Touch Myself Princess"


 WOW!!!!

Ok, so I know I'm completely ruining the movie for anyone who hasn't seen it but OH EM GEE McGhee!! This bitch (and I use that term in the most endearing context possible) went full throttle in her little vagina monologue debut. I mean, risque to say the least. But in all my years of watching late night Showtime TV MA flicks, I have NEVER witnessed a scene like that.


I know that the former really isn't a detrimental part to the movie but then again, I am far from a conventional human being. I can base my ratings on films by a scene or even down to one damn sentence, regardless if the whole entire movie sucked.
         *Case and Point* "Cabin Fever" --- one of thee DUMBEST features ever created but I loved it due to the ending, "Whatup my nigga?!" (if you haven't seen it, please do!)

But yea, not to say that "Black Swan" isn't a good motion picture bc it actually is when I think about it. If you're into psychological thrillers, you'd probably enjoy it. But I'm just saying, kudos to Nattie P. for teaching me how to masturbate. I definitely wasn't aware I was supposed to turn over and hump pillows but HEY; learn something new everyday guy!

Ummmmmmmm

"The Roommate"........basically a modern day "Single White Female" only with pretty actresses and HOT guys!

OMG whores!!!

When I say "hot guy alert"? I mean "HOT GUY ALERT"!! Fuck the crazy, bi-polar chick and the slut-in-hiding protagonist.

The boyfriend alone makes it a must see. But then again this is coming from a single, 3 week sexually deprived skeeza so idk.

But yea, definitely a spin off of "SWF" but it was cute. I wouldn't say it was anything spectacular because nothing really stood out except for a few lines of crazy. BUT if you have some time and feel like hanging with some friends or just looking for some laughs, then I'd suggest you take a gander.


Now as far as which one I'd choose?


Mothafuckin "Black Swan" of course!!!! For anyone wanting to learn how to properly please yourself, this one takes the cake!!

Addicted to BBM

Ok.

So if you are a Blackberry owner then you know how CRAPPY the phone essentially is (shut up IPhone users). They're always freezing and you constantly have to take the battery out. And let's not get started on how long it takes to ACTUALLY reboot *bbm can't watch* smh. 

With that said, you'd have to be #TeamBlackberry in order to understand why we put up with it...

The BLACKBERRY MESSENGER!!!

or otherwise known as "BBM".

This feature is the ONLY reason that the Crackberry is still in business.

For loyalty purposes, I shall not betray my team and speak of how FAST the Iphone is, or about all the uber cool apps it possesses. I have been an advocate for RIM's golden goose since 2007. I'm talking since BEFORE it became "cool" to own one. You know, when it was really just a business phone for old white men? Yea. Even then I owned one. When it was a big black walkie talkie.

So the week leading up to Christmas when I switched over to the HTC EVO......

.....I experienced the best features a phone could possibly offer....

....I played "Angry Birds" and fake versions of "Fruit Ninja" til the wee hours of the morning...

....and the gentle touch from my fingers created something more than an erection.

I mean the EVO is the best mobile device that the Sprint Network could offer, hands down. 

I give it two thumbs up and an orgasm for all of its features.

Tango's facetime, free mp3 downloads, an array full of games...I recommend it for ANYONE considering the switch to Sprint or in need of a new phone, period.

 BUT I GAVE IT BACK AFTER TWO DAYS!!!

I know! I'm so ashamed! I passed up a perfectly good phone for a damn Blackberry.

I couldn't help it. I bared the ridicule from those around me just because I'm addicted to the BBM. (As if there isn't AIM, YAHOO, GOOGLE, MSN)

     I'm really convinced that there is a mind altering kinetic wave given off via BBM because the addiction is really that of the best ecstasy I have EVER popped in my life.

 Which is none.

But I am pretty sure if I did I'd get the same effect! 

With all of this said....PLEASE, if you do NOT own a Blackberry, then DO NOT START!!! Do NOT let ANYONE talk you into joining the cult. When you go to AT&T, TMobile, Sprint, Verizon, you march yourself right outta there with a BETTER phone. TRUST ME.

I left a PERFECTLY good plan, fuck what is probably the BEST plan from Sprint just to get the Torch....*bbm embarrassed* <---- SEE? We even insert BBM smileys into regular conversations....

ahhh fuck it man I <3 My Blackberry and I will never part. As shitty as he is, he pleases me. Like when I stay in a fucked up relationship bc the sex is good. Thats pretty much the ONLY reason to get the phone.... 

Cuz sometimes a skeeza needs some love too!

Enjoy!!! ;)